Holidays and other significant days can be especially difficult after the loss of a loved one. The one thing a grieving person wants the most during Christmas is to rewind the clock and to have life go on the way it once was. However, we know, this is not possible. Our lives are forever changed with the passing of someone we loved and cherished.

For anyone who has experienced the loss of someone by death, this season can be one of the most difficult challenges they will ever face on their road to recovery. The holidays as we remember them have changed. While others are addressing holiday greeting cards, planning holiday parties, and family gatherings, the bereaved are addressing their own concerns. Will the holidays always be this painful? How can we “celebrate” when we have these overwhelming feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness? These feelings are all a part of grief. It is important to remember that grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith!

Handling the upcoming holidays is not about eliminating the pain and grief from our lives. Rather, it’s about learning to live with the pain and grief and not being consumed by it.

Sometimes the anticipation of the holiday or special day can be worse than the actual day. However, there are some things that you can do to that might help you cope.

Recognize that this special day will be different from others.

Commemorate your loved one. Light a candle, offer a prayer or poem in their memory, share a memory with family or donate time or money to a cause they believed in.

Take care of yourself. Remember the holidays are a time when everyone gets worn down and tired, and for those going though the grieving process, it can be more difficult. Rest when you need to, napping during the day is okay. Pamper yourself: a bubble bath, a good book, special music, a long walk; these are small inexpensive ways to soothe ourselves.

Let others help you. If shopping or cooking is too much, allow family or friends to do it for you. They want to help you, but don’t always know how. Give them permission to help you through this time.

Make lists. All of us forget things. After a loss, sometimes it seems as if we can’t focus. It can be helpful to make a list of what you feel you should be doing. It’s also okay to look at the list and decide that some things you are NOT going to do, and cross them off.

You decide what you are up for, and what you are not. If you don’t want to go to a party, don’t go. Family and friends mean well when they want you to come and have fun, but if you aren’t ready, it’s okay to say, “no, thank you, but thanks for thinking of me.”

Recognize your feelings and allow yourself to have them. Too often in today’s world, we feel we must “get over” our loss, and if we haven’t, we have let others down. Give yourself the gift of your feelings. Cry when you need to cry, don’t feel it’s your responsibility to be strong or to take care of everyone else.