Sometimes it is easier for a child to deal with death by escaping into a story-a world that is as real as it needs to be for as long as the child needs to dwell there, but still within the safe boundaries of the well-known fiction format. Fiction titles are available in picture-book format such as Eve Bunting's The Wall, (where a boy and his father come from far away to visit the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington and find the name of the boy's grandfather, who was killed in the conflict), chapter books such as Katherine Paterson's Bridge to Terabithia, (about a ten-year-old boy in rural Virginia becoming friends with a newcomer who subsequently meets an untimely death trying to reach their hideaway, Terabithia, during a storm); or Barbara Park's Mick Harte Was Here, (where thirteen-year-old Phoebe recalls her younger brother Mick and his death in a bicycle accident), and teen fiction such as Lois Lowry's A Summer to Die, (about thirteen-year-old Meg's envy of her sister's beauty and popularity, and whose feelings don't make it any easier for her to cope with Molly's strange illness and eventual death), or Chris Lynch's Freewill, (about a teenager trying to recover from the tragic death of his father and stepmother believes himself to be responsible for the rash of teen suicides occurring in his town).
True stories about life and death can also help a young person understand death, or help him or her to open up and talk, or know it's okay to ask questions. Anne Frank, the Diary of a Young Girl invites the reader into the life of a very real person, who lived in a horrific part of our world's history, and died for completely incomprehensible reasons. Ralph Moody's Little Britches, is about the author's memories of his life on a Colorado ranch and the powerful lessons his father taught him about courage, honor, respect, trustworthiness, and even restitution. This is a novel that speaks volumes about character, within the carefully chosen words of Ralph's father. Ralph takes us on a wonderful ride through his childhood, letting us experience the valuable lessons he learns about life, relationships, and the death of his father.
Other stories about children dealing with death: The Beloved Dearly by Doug Cooney and Tony DiTerlilzzi, Dicey's Song by Cynthia Voight, Angels in Pink: Kathleen's Story by Lurlene McDanial, Catalyst by Laurie Anderson, Letting Go of Lisa by Lurlene McDaniel, Silver Kiss by Annette Klause, Chasing Redbird by Sharon Creech and Marc Burckhardt, A Taste of Blackberries by Doria Smith and Mike Wimmer, and Something for Joey, by Richard Peck and Jerry McNeely.
Helping Your Child Deal with Death: Nonfiction
As adults, we can use how-to books to help us help our children deal with and understand death. When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief by Marge Heegaard was designed to teach basic concepts of death and help children understand and express the many feelings they have when someone special dies. Communication is increased and coping skills are developed as they illustrate their books with their personal story. Pat Palmer and Dianne Burke's I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand--: A Child’s Guide to Grief and Loss is a warm, comforting book that gently helps grieving children identify their feelings and learn to accept and deal with them (such as when a best friend has moved away, Dad no longer lives with the family, or a favorite pet has died). Wonderful heart-warming illustrations and simple, direct writing help children discover that it is normal and natural to feel the pain of loss.
Other books to help children and adolescents deal with and understand death and loss include: On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Kids by Alan Wolfelt, Help for the Hard Times: Getting through Loss by Earl Hipp and L. Hanson, The Empty Place: A Child's Guide Through Grief by Roberta Temes and Kim Carlisle, Living with Grief: A Guide for Your First Year of Grieving by Brook Noel and Palmer Blair, Coping with Grieving and Loss by Sandra Giddens and Own Giddens, Coping with Death by Shasta Gaughen, Straight Talk about Death and Dying by Robert Digiulio and Rachel Kranz, Coping When a Parent Dies by Janet Grosshandler-Smith, Everything You Need to Know When a Parent Dies by Fred Bradman, Gift of a Memory: A Keepsake to Commemorate the Loss of a Loved One by Marianne Richmond, and Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins: A Journal for Teenagers Experiencing a Loss by Enid Samuel-traisman and Ben Sieff.
Other Books to Help
Journals are very useful not only to help us record our own thoughts, feeling, and memories, but also to encourage ourselves and others to share or at least express our personal loss and grief. Those asked to speak at a service may find themselves at a loss, and My Deepest Sympathies. . ..: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies by Florence Isaacs can help with that. Never are we more concerned with getting it right than when writing to one who has suffered a loss. In My Deepest Sympathies—, letter-writing guru Florence Isaacs guides us through the ins and outs of offering comfort and support with short yet meaningful notes that will long be remembered by their recipients. She offers guidelines for diverse situations, with sample letters to draw on, so that it's easy to strike the appropriate tone every time. Isaacs explains that the individual circumstances help determine what's appropriate to say in a sympathy note, and she provides specific techniques for a wide range of relationships, from the death of a coworker's spouse to the loss of a friend's elderly parent from Alzheimer's. She also addresses complex situations like the death of an ex-wife, an estranged sibling, or a longtime companion. She even includes thoughtful words for the death of a pet. Whether it's for a blank note or a few extra lines on a card, Isaacs's advice runs the gamut from personal to professional. And she explains how to provide real help to the bereaved by making phone calls, running errands, or simply lending an ear. Information on funerals, memorial services, and proper etiquette when someone of a different culture has died will help readers avoid missteps in potentially awkward situations. Isaacs closes with techniques for effective eulogies, plus a special appendix of actual eulogies that illustrate ways in which readers can memorialize a loved one for family and friends.
Thank You to Cindy Snelling of Barnes and Noble Books - Fargo, for her input and story selection.
